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Jokes
Posted By:jasmin On 7/18/2004

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying.

To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.

Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said,

"Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying." 
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Stammerer: I hea..hea... heard tha...that you can hel...hel...help me.

Speech therapist: Yes, sure. Ease yourself in the chair, look straight in my eyes, and count slowly till ten.
Stammerer: O...one, t...two, th...th...three, ..... eight, nine, ten. It's wonderful, I don't stammer anymore!

Speech therapist: "My fee is 300 dollar.

Stammerer: H...h...how mu...mu...much?!

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It seems that God received a delegation of animals complaining of their lot. They were an elephant, a giraffe, and a hen.

The elephant complained, "Lord, I hate this trunk you have given me. It gets in the way, and makes me look like a fool!"

The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick up food, drink water, etc. without getting wet!"

Next the giraffe complained, "Lord, I hate this long neck! It makes me top heavy, I get terrible neck pains, and people laugh at me!"

The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick the best fruit and leaves from the high branches, and allows you to see a distance."

The hen spoke up, "Lord, I don't want to complain, but either let me have a bigger hole or smaller eggs."

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A woman, calling Mount Sinai Hospital, said, "Hello, I want to know if a patient is getting better."

The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

She said, "Yes, darling! She's Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."

He said, "Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh! That's fantastic! That's wonderful news!"

The man on the phone said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!"

She said, "I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Cohen, my doctor, doesn't tell me a word!"

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Santa was only 50 years old when he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. When friends came to solace him he told them he was suffering from AIDS. His son protested: "You have cancer, why are you telling everyone you have AIDS?"

"Putter, your mother is still young. If I died of cancer, my friends will come visiting my home to see her. If they think I died of AIDS, they will keep their distance."

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There was a blonde, and a man from another country at a bar, and the man said, "My country was the first in space," and at that time a red head came up, she said, " My country was the first to go to the moon." Then the blonde said," Oh yeah well I am gunna go to the sun!" The red head said, " Stupid you can't go to the sun it is too hot." Then the blonde replied, " That is why I'm going at night!"

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